In the end, talking with Raine helped matters a lot more than I had expected. It wasn't anything he said, so much -- really, he hardly said anything at all! -- but he let me rant, and he listened, and he asked questions so that I could surprise myself with the answers. And even though I still don't know anything more than I did a few days ago... I've come to a few new conclusions.

It doesn't scare me anymore that I might be this Vulcan Vai Agana, or that some part of me might be. That I may have worn her face and name (or she mine) for four years. Raine even pointed out that I may very well NOT be her -- we've still got no proof whatsoever. But...

I don't know how to explain it, but it feels right. If I have a counterpart, as Todrencai and Titus do, then Vai Agana is a decent match. Not that I'd WANT to be responsible for everything she's done! But the reputation... it's not much worse than what's been said about me. And though rumours will start from a seed of truth, there's no telling how much truth is left to them by the time they come to us. I doubt the Vulcan is a pussycat, but she may not be any worse than I. She may simply BE me... and I think I can accept that. It's strange to be able to say this, but I think I can accept that I just had a psychotic break. Hell, if I were the only one who had lost time, it would be the simple and obvious solution; I'd probably already be done raging and crying about it and I'd be moving on right now. Which actually sounds pretty nice.

It... does scare me... that I might not be Alastriona. By the Dragons, but it scares me! Todrencai thinks he's actually Mavlane-with-Todrencai's-memories; now, he's decided that Todrencai is the person he wants to be, and there seems to be no impediment to that, so he carries on... and good for him, that he can do that. (Although I really think he hasn't sufficiently examined his situation, and that failure is certainly going to come back to bite him in the ass.)

But... if I am Vai Agana, and only she -- merely hiding in Alastriona's skin -- if the real Ali is dead and gone and the person I think I am is merely a shadow of her memories, what then? I keep thinking that... if Ali's dead, I need to let her go. If I'm really this other woman who just thinks I'm Ali -- I can't live like that. It's an abomination, to me and to her; I should let her and her memory rest in peace.

And even though everything I've been taught says that that's right, it's that very thought that makes me so furious. Because I am Ali. I know I am. I may think I'm Vulcan Vai Agana, but I know I am Cathak Alastriona. Even if I'm just her memories... if that's all that is left of Ali, then I'm still more her than anyone else is, and "letting her go" is the same as letting her die. I can't just let me go. I can't just let go of... of everything that Ali ever worked for. That I ever worked for. That I loved and I sacrificed for. I said this before in anger and fear... but now I say it calmly, simply, because it's true. Even if I am Vulcan Vai Agana... I can look at Cathak Alastriona and pretty fairly say that she deserved better from life than what she got. And if Ali can no longer fight for what she loves, then the Vulcan will have to fight for her. Because somebody ought to... and there's no better person than me.

It goes the other way too, I think. But since I don't know anything about what Vai Agana valued, I can't be as adamant about it. Yet. ;-)

I'm still scared. I'm still worried. This isn't over yet. But I've realized that there is more here than what I was focused upon -- more at stake, yes, but also more to work with. I've remembered that I've been in terrible situations before, and I've always come through. Hesiesh chose me for a reason, and he seems to still want me around -- so I can't be that much of a fuckup, now can I?

So what now? Raine sees his supposed death as a blessing; a chance to start over with the life he wants. I don't think I can do that. It might be nice, but it's not for me. So I'm still waiting, still searching for answers. They will come.

Or they won't, and I'll learn to deal with that too.

And if the Wyld Hunt comes for me, they had better come loaded for bear. Because from what I hear of Vulcan Vai Agana -- and what I know of Cathak Alastriona -- we won't go down easy.

When the Wisp let slip the name Vulcan. When Todrencai and Raine remembered the records they'd found. When four fingers suddenly pointed at me. What? No, no -- "Mavlencai" is the one with the identity crisis! Titus is the one who became a monster when he wasn't looking! Raine is the one chasing himself!

I'm not the Vulcan! She's not me. I just -- I just lost time. It's magic or something, I don't fucking know. Everyone believed it the last time, why not now? Why don't I believe it? But I'm me, I'm Ali. I am.

And that's when I understood. Nothing else made any fucking sense -- it still doesn't -- but that one small significant aspect clicked. The shoe fit. The name, and the reputation clicked.

For a few awful moments, I was terrified. Then something else took over.

Four years. Four Dragon-forsaken years. Twenty-two years since the Cirlat, twenty since I entered the Palace of the Tamed Storms, fourteen since I joined the Wyld Hunt. How old am I? I can do the math, but it doesn’t feel real. Four years of our lives… just gone.

I should probably apologize to Kenzo for not believing we’d lost time. I won’t, anyway.

Suddenly the reasons we might be in the enemy’s armor multiply. When I thought we’d just been pulled through space, the answer was easy: magic. Funny how magic solves a lot of problems, isn’t it? Not that anything actually gets solved, but it makes explaining them so simple.

The soldiers of Lookshy knew us on sight, and they tried to kill us. What’s to say the Realm won’t do the same? Kenzo is certain we are not traitors. Kenzo has no idea what can happen in four years, or less. How quickly your life can change. How suddenly you can go from the staunchest devotee to the most faithless heretic. Kenzo is young. Perhaps not chronologically… but he will learn, or his faith in himself and in the Realm will be the very thing that gets him killed.

I know there are things which would cause even Kenzo to turn his back on the Realm -- in the eyes of the Realm, if not in Kenzo’s heart. He cannot imagine these things happening. Perhaps he cannot imagine their existence -- but exist they do. And there is no way of knowing for certain that the unimaginable has not occurred. Our minds are as they were four years ago... but the Realm has moved on, and now I can only assume that for four years we moved with it.

What could have happened in four years? Todrencai could have accepted that I won’t marry him... or Hesiesh help me, maybe I did. We all could be married. We could have homes, titles. My parents could have gotten tired of their half-hearted hope that I’d come to my senses and fully disowned me. Joseph may be grown... or he could be dead. He could be dead. Or I could have found him, and I just don't know it. Everyone we knew four years ago could be gone. Probably not everyone is... but they've certainly all changed. We changed too, only now we don't remember it.

The truth is, we don’t even know who we are anymore. And some of us don’t even know that we don’t know that. In some ways, we’re no better off than Feather. And she may be better than us! Better than me, anyway; she doesn't seem to know what the hell has happened to her. But me -- maybe I should have died back at that clearing. Maybe...

...maybe I did.

Dear Diary,

You know, I actually kind of liked that boy until he stabbed me.

I feel kind of dumb now. But how was I supposed to know? He'd been Chosen! Isn't that supposed to make you smarter, wiser... better?

When Cathak Mavlane walked up to the table at breakfast, my first thought was oh my gosh is he actually going to talk to us he looks so awesome!!! Really! With the flashy red-orange hair and those eyes and that grin and the -- oh, everything, you know?! And yeah, I know he's a cousin somewhere, but it's gotta be a pretty distant cousin all told and anyway it's not like I was gonna actually do anything but still, he was cute. And he's Chosen and he's coming over to talk to me. Later, in the games -- well, honestly, I was itching to fight him from the start. Not like that, I mean -- I wanted to see how well I would do. Yes, I'm prideful, what of it?! So when I got the chance after all... when, after all the excitement, he wanted to spar with me... of course I jumped on it!

I thought he had it all under control, I really did. I wasn't afraid of the flame -- I thought Mavlane was just trying to scare me, and I wanted him to see that I wasn't scared, so I ignored it and focused on matching his strokes, even as they got harder and harder to parry and I had fewer openings to strike back. I wouldn't have it said that Cathak Alastriona couldn't take a little heat. Even when the fire got hotter... I'm realizing now that I should have run. But I thought he knew exactly what he was doing! I expected him to fight fair. I didn't expect him to try to kill me.

The moment itself is kind of blurry. I remember everything suddenly going cold, even though I could still see the fire and smell burning cloth and hair... and I remember thinking that seemed weird. And I got really lightheaded and I could hear Titus and Lucian screaming, and I knew they were next to me, but they seemed really far away. And I glanced down at Mavlane's hand on the hilt of the sword buried in my chest, and there was blood everywhere... and I remember thinking Father is going to be so mad at me right before it all went black.

I dreamed about the kitten I had when I was a really little girl. Except I don't think I actually had a kitten in real life. Almost dying is really weird, Diary.

And yeah, I'm pretty sure I almost died.

The scary thing to me, now, about thinking that Mavlane was in control and knew what he was doing is that, if what I've heard is true, he was. Titus said my "cousin" said something about trying to push me to accept the blessing of Hesiesh, and that I'd be better off dead than patrician. (Although I guess now Mavlane's friends are giving him a hard time about nearly being beaten by a little patrician girl. I may not be Chosen yet, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate some good irony.)

The other not-so-funny irony is that... well, I wasn't Chosen thanks to my cousin's ill-advised efforts. But Galerina was. Apparently she was so upset over me nearly dying that she started a typhoon in the girl's dorm. Now she won't be in any of my classes anymore! When I get to go back, I mean. But I already miss her.

I'm here in the infirmary for another two weeks. It's not too bad, though. Todrencai is here with me -- see, he was also pretty upset... but he didn't receive the blessing of Mela; he just attacked Mavlane with a sword. Which was pretty dumb... but also pretty brave, and kind of flattering. But mostly dumb, 'cause he wound up burning his hands and his hair. Now he sits in the bed next to me making up silly songs about himself (Todrencai, Todrencai! Fought the big bad fire guy! Kicked his ass and made him cry! You're so awesome, Todrencai!) and, when his hands aren't hurting too much, drawing stick figures to act out the songs.

Did I say it wasn't too bad? I lied.

No, I'm lying there. I like Todrencai. I like Titus, and Lucian. I'm lucky to have them for friends. I'm going to miss Galerina. A lot. Who am I going to whisper with at night now???

I'm going to get revenge on Cathak Mavlane. Someday, I am.

Goodnight, Diary.
Ali