The walls are cold. The bed is all but bare. There should be another girl here, but she's gone; I don't know where she is, and I'm not sure I want to. My stomach hurts -- feels like hot knives, stabbing into me. I know it's not cold, but I can't stop shivering. My legs are shaking. I'm still bleeding -- they said it would stop, but it hasn't stopped. I try the handle, but I already know it won't open; I bang on the door to get someone's attention, but no one comes. Help me, I want to scream, I'm dying! Help me! but all that comes out is a wordless howl.

It doesn't matter anyway -- no one will come. This is what they want. I'm supposed to die in here -- die and be forgotten; another casualty of the Tamed Storms.

Twenty years later and halfway across Creation, I wake up gasping for air.

* * * * *
When Titus didn't recognize me — no, when he didn't believe me — I thought it was all over, right then. For a moment all I could do was laugh in shock at the irony of it all: that I was about to be killed by my best friend, because he thought I was an Anathema wearing Ali's skin. Even my weapons betrayed me! And I thank the dragons for Raine, now, because I'm really not certain I could have convinced Titus on my own — much less the crowd gathering behind them.

I'm still somewhat... ashamed? that I didn't trust Raine enough to do exactly as he said. I do trust Raine in general -- I'll have him at my back any day of the week! But... to lay down my weapons and surrender? I can't trust anyone that much. I knew he was trying to help me... I knew that at the very least he believed what he was telling me. I don't think he was luring me into a trap.

And some logical part of my brain understood and approved of his plan: if it looked like I was giving up to a local authority, the rest of the crowd would have no reason to press Feather's actions upon me. But the animal part of my brain remembered everything evil that has ever come to me for trusting someone as completely as Raine was asking. It's one thing to trust someone with my sword in my hand, and something else entirely to hand my sword over to them. I've had my heart cut out that way, and I'm not anxious to revisit the experience -- literally or metaphorically.

* * * * *
You're gonna make it. You are a good man. You're strong. You can do this. We both can. We'll play their game until we can get the hell out of here, and then we never have to live by anyone else's rules again...

Never again. That's what I promised Titus. That's what I promised myself, the last time I refused to run away.

Running makes you fast. It doesn't make you stronger. It makes you better at running... which leaves you screwed when it's time to stand and fight. Titus wants to run, now -- just like he did then. He seems to be content to run for the rest of his life. It's not that he's not brave; he's one of the boldest men I've ever known. He just thinks running, in this particular situation, is a lot smarter than fighting. And I can't say for certain that he's wrong.

But I don't know how to run -- how to keep running. It's not in my nature.

Titus is blessed by Dana'ad, so it should be no surprise in a crisis that he would be drawn to the path of least resistance. Me? ...I'm feeling stifled. And all I want to do is lash out. Flare up. Fight. And if I can't overcome, then I should go out in a blaze worthy of a child of Hesiesh.

I'm supposed to die out here. Die and be forgotten.

Fuck that noise.

In the end, talking with Raine helped matters a lot more than I had expected. It wasn't anything he said, so much -- really, he hardly said anything at all! -- but he let me rant, and he listened, and he asked questions so that I could surprise myself with the answers. And even though I still don't know anything more than I did a few days ago... I've come to a few new conclusions.

It doesn't scare me anymore that I might be this Vulcan Vai Agana, or that some part of me might be. That I may have worn her face and name (or she mine) for four years. Raine even pointed out that I may very well NOT be her -- we've still got no proof whatsoever. But...

I don't know how to explain it, but it feels right. If I have a counterpart, as Todrencai and Titus do, then Vai Agana is a decent match. Not that I'd WANT to be responsible for everything she's done! But the reputation... it's not much worse than what's been said about me. And though rumours will start from a seed of truth, there's no telling how much truth is left to them by the time they come to us. I doubt the Vulcan is a pussycat, but she may not be any worse than I. She may simply BE me... and I think I can accept that. It's strange to be able to say this, but I think I can accept that I just had a psychotic break. Hell, if I were the only one who had lost time, it would be the simple and obvious solution; I'd probably already be done raging and crying about it and I'd be moving on right now. Which actually sounds pretty nice.

It... does scare me... that I might not be Alastriona. By the Dragons, but it scares me! Todrencai thinks he's actually Mavlane-with-Todrencai's-memories; now, he's decided that Todrencai is the person he wants to be, and there seems to be no impediment to that, so he carries on... and good for him, that he can do that. (Although I really think he hasn't sufficiently examined his situation, and that failure is certainly going to come back to bite him in the ass.)

But... if I am Vai Agana, and only she -- merely hiding in Alastriona's skin -- if the real Ali is dead and gone and the person I think I am is merely a shadow of her memories, what then? I keep thinking that... if Ali's dead, I need to let her go. If I'm really this other woman who just thinks I'm Ali -- I can't live like that. It's an abomination, to me and to her; I should let her and her memory rest in peace.

And even though everything I've been taught says that that's right, it's that very thought that makes me so furious. Because I am Ali. I know I am. I may think I'm Vulcan Vai Agana, but I know I am Cathak Alastriona. Even if I'm just her memories... if that's all that is left of Ali, then I'm still more her than anyone else is, and "letting her go" is the same as letting her die. I can't just let me go. I can't just let go of... of everything that Ali ever worked for. That I ever worked for. That I loved and I sacrificed for. I said this before in anger and fear... but now I say it calmly, simply, because it's true. Even if I am Vulcan Vai Agana... I can look at Cathak Alastriona and pretty fairly say that she deserved better from life than what she got. And if Ali can no longer fight for what she loves, then the Vulcan will have to fight for her. Because somebody ought to... and there's no better person than me.

It goes the other way too, I think. But since I don't know anything about what Vai Agana valued, I can't be as adamant about it. Yet. ;-)

I'm still scared. I'm still worried. This isn't over yet. But I've realized that there is more here than what I was focused upon -- more at stake, yes, but also more to work with. I've remembered that I've been in terrible situations before, and I've always come through. Hesiesh chose me for a reason, and he seems to still want me around -- so I can't be that much of a fuckup, now can I?

So what now? Raine sees his supposed death as a blessing; a chance to start over with the life he wants. I don't think I can do that. It might be nice, but it's not for me. So I'm still waiting, still searching for answers. They will come.

Or they won't, and I'll learn to deal with that too.

And if the Wyld Hunt comes for me, they had better come loaded for bear. Because from what I hear of Vulcan Vai Agana -- and what I know of Cathak Alastriona -- we won't go down easy.

Dragons damn it all. Dragons damn me. There weren't any answers in Lookshy. Did I really think there would be? Oh, I found out more about the Vulcan... but I couldn't find out if she was me or not. Or if she looked like me -- or what she looked like period. Nothing! I didn't get recognized, or anything... which I would have expected to be happy about, but right now it just feels like I've hit another brick wall and I'm so tired of it I could cry.

And I'm starting to wonder, what's the point? If I'm Vulcan Vai Agana... then I'm a monster from Lookshy, I'm Anathema to the Realm. I'll get to spend the rest of my days running and hiding from one force or another until one of them (probably the Wyld Hunt) catches up to me. There's no point in fighting. I have this terrible vision of being caught, finally, months or years from now -- still confused, still without answers (and of course no one will give me any answers) -- and executed for crimes I don't remember and cannot defend against. I wonder if Lhen will be in the band that comes for me.

If I'm Alastriona... as far as I know, I'm a traitor to the Realm. My parents were on the verge of disowning me before -- even if I'm not really dead, I suspect I'm 'dead' to them. What have I got to go back to? I had little before, but nothing now. If I'm still Ali, then... I'm a nothing. It's all been for naught. Surviving the Palace, breaking from my parents, all those years in the Wyld Hunt — all that time wondering and hoping and fighting and fighting... wasted. Wasted! My whole life has been a waste. And if that's the case, why go on? Why keep striving and struggling and hurting, if there's no end and no point? I mean -- never let it be said that Cathak Alastriona gave up without a fight... but you know there's brave, and then there's fucking stupid. And guess how I feel right now.

I came back to the house in Nexus to find that Feather's starting to take on my appearance. And she mimics me. I'd make some joke about how it's bad enough I'm losing my identity to one person... but really, I can't even joke. It's terrifying. I think she's going to kill us all. I can't let on to HER that I think that, of course -- spooking her would be about the stupidest thing I could possibly do. So I can't tell anyone. And I'd try to stop her but I don't know how. I really don't think I could. If I thought I could destroy her with my own death, I'd do it... but I fear what would happen if I didn't succeed, and then I wasn't there for whatever came after.

I'd like to say that I don't remember the last time I felt this small, this helpless and afraid.

But I do. And I hate it. I hate myself for it. This isn't how a Chosen of the Dragons conducts herself! But I can't help it. I can't do anything, anything except shudder in my own skin at the thought that it's not really mine. I can't do anything right. I never have been able to do anything right. And by the Dragons... I start to think that maybe if I really am dead, maybe it's for the best. Maybe I should have died back at the Palace like they expected. Maybe I'd have been better off if Mavlane had struck but another inch to the left.

Hesiesh help me: I don't want to die. But I don't want to see what's coming. And I'm tired of the pain.

The only good thing about the ride from Nexus to Lookshy is that it comes with plenty of wide open space in which to think.

I keep telling myself that it isn't the end of the world -- or at least, it doesn't have to be. All I can figure is that however this was done, it must be possible to undo it. All we have to do is figure out who the Five are (beyond their names and the fact that they're terrible people) and what their objective is. And I may not be too good at this investigative gig -- but Raine is, and if I can just bring him back some new information I'm sure he can sift through it to find what we need. If there's anything more to be found out about the Vulcan, I'll find it in Lookshy. A couple of weeks there, a couple of weeks back -- I could be on my way back to normal in almost no time at all.

Oh, I know it may not be that simple. But I've really started thinking that maybe I'm overcomplicating this -- or that I'm assuming that it's worse than it needs to be. There's got to be a way out of this; there have got to be options besides just bending over for the mysterious forces fucking with my life. If it's magic -- maybe Galerina can undo it. If we can find the person who did it, then I'm sure between Kenzo, Titus and I, we can convince her or him or them to fix it.

...there's a possibility that Feather is behind this. I mean... I always knew there was a possibility that someone had a damned good reason for stabbing her. I just didn't see the sense in assuming that that was the case. And I can't admit this to anyone else, of course -- not yet, anyway -- but I can't let myself forget it, either. And when we picked her up, I kind of did so on the assumption that if she turned out to be Anathema I could simply destroy her then... but now, although I'm damned sure she is Anathema I'm not actually sure how to destroy her. And that does put a major kink in my plans. Right now I'm just hoping that I don't have to destroy her to get my life back... but if I do, well, I guess I'll play that by ear.

But anyway, back to the plan. The trickiest possibility is that Vulcan Vai Agana herself is behind it. And it is tricky -- I can't just (threaten to) kill myself, and I don't know if I would have the power or ability to reverse it on my own. But maybe she can be negotiated with -- or maybe she can be overrun. There are a lot of possibilities! There are a lot of options!

But before I can act on any of these options, I have to know who and what I'm dealing with. And I'll find that out in Lookshy. It'll all get easier then.

No. No. Some other fucking bitch isn't stealing my life. I don't even care anymore if she tried to steal it four years ago -- she can't have it now.

("Wait a moment," says Raine, "Haven't you spent the last couple of decades running away from your life? Isn't this basically what you want?" Note to self: strangle Raine.)

Whether or not I'm happy with my life doesn't change the fact that it's mine. I don't know how to be anyone else. I won't be anyone else. That's what Raine doesn't get -- I wasn't running away from my life at all, I ran to it. I ran away from the fact that people wanted me to be someone I wasn't. My parents wanted a good daughter, Todrencai wanted a willing partner -- the entire fucking Realm wanted Cathak Alastriona to be a fine upstanding Dynast, a pillar of society and a shining cog in the great machine, to pretend like nothing was wrong when everything was -- is -- completely wrong!

I tried. I tried and I couldn't make it work. I couldn't live the lie -- and I can't just turn around and go live a new lie. I'd go mad. Really, seriously mad.

And if it's the other way around? If I'm actually not Cathak Alastriona — if, as "Mavlencai" believes he was always Mavlane and never Todrencai, I've always been Vulcan Vai Agana and I just have someone else's thoughts in my head? I don't believe that's the case -- but if it is, if I -- if the real Ali died back in the explosion, or in that clearing, then...

Then it means that everything I've done for the last twenty years was a waste. A complete and utter fucking waste. And I am not. letting. that. happen.

So if that's what happened... then first, I'm going to find out how it happened. Then I am going to find out who did it. And then, Hesiesh help me, I am going to kill them. I am going to kill them, and I am going to kill their parents, and their friends, and their dogs, and their dogs' friends. I am going to kill Ali's parents, for being fuckwits. I'm going to spend the rest of Vulcan Vai Agana's natural lifespan tracking down everyone who ever laid a fucking finger on Ali in her short and wasteful life and utterly destroy them, because I won't be forgotten, I won't be swept under the carpet, I won't be a fucking footnote in the world.

...no. No, no, no, no! I can't be dead. I have too much to live for. And Vulcan Vai Agana, what the shit has she got?! No one even knows who the fuck she is, aside from a monster! I'm Cathak Alastriona. I am -- and that means I'm a person -- I'm not my memories, I'm not a charade, I'm not my potential. I'm not a fucking cog and you can't throw me away. I wasn't Blessed for nothing, I wasn't Chosen to die like this. I didn't die like this. I can't. I can't.

When the Wisp let slip the name Vulcan. When Todrencai and Raine remembered the records they'd found. When four fingers suddenly pointed at me. What? No, no -- "Mavlencai" is the one with the identity crisis! Titus is the one who became a monster when he wasn't looking! Raine is the one chasing himself!

I'm not the Vulcan! She's not me. I just -- I just lost time. It's magic or something, I don't fucking know. Everyone believed it the last time, why not now? Why don't I believe it? But I'm me, I'm Ali. I am.

And that's when I understood. Nothing else made any fucking sense -- it still doesn't -- but that one small significant aspect clicked. The shoe fit. The name, and the reputation clicked.

For a few awful moments, I was terrified. Then something else took over.

Dragons damn me and my knee-jerk reactions. Maybe if I hadn’t lashed out at Todrencai so fiercely, he wouldn’t have fled the way he did. Not that Kenzo helped matters any. But it was too... I mean, here again was a trusted friend, someone I care deeply for, and suddenly he turns and becomes someone I don’t know at all -- someone I can’t trust. What was I supposed to think? What was I supposed to do? He cut down the monk, and I had no reason to think I wouldn’t be next.

On second thought... I guess in the end I can’t be too hard on myself. These instincts keep me alive.

So now I’m left to think. And I have so many questions, and the only person with answers isn’t going to come anywhere near me, so I have to puzzle them out on my own.

He says he’s not Tepet Todrencai. He thinks he may actually be Cathak Mavlane. He says he has memories of being Mavlane, that he knows things Todrencai couldn’t possibly know -- and the priest called him by that name. These would seem to suggest that it’s true.

But he tried to warn me. If he was Mavlane, why do that? Why break the engagement? (Or explain that it was broken, anyway.) He knew it bothered me, he knew that entire issue was a thorn in my side... and the Mavlane I know would have delighted in picking at that, twisting it, driving it in deeper. And yet he acknowledged that canceling the betrothal would lift a weight from my shoulders... and he sounded just the slightest bit regretful when he did. Well, perhaps I’m imagining things there, but still, the question remains: if he’s not Todrencai, what did he gain from that? As Mavlane, it would have to be to his advantage to keep me thinking that he was Todrencai, so why blow it like that?

On the other hand... maybe he blew it because he suspected it was about to blow anyway. After all, I don’t actually have any proof that he ever was (or ever actually believed himself to be) Tepet Todrencai. He showed up in a mask, declared himself to be Todrencai and I believed him. Galerina backed him up, but I don’t think I ever confirmed that she saw him without his mask either. When he finally took it off... well, it looked enough like him. Or enough like the man I thought the ten-year-old boy I knew might grow up to be, anyway. I was surprised to recognize the mark of Hesiesh upon him -- but then, I know the Dragons work in mysterious ways -- and as removing the mask demonstrated some trust in me I thought it would be rude and insensitive to comment on it. And we’d been traveling together for weeks; he’s had plenty of time to observe me, to learn how to gain my trust and get under my skin. He helped me take care of Feather when no one else wanted any part of it -- and I made it perfectly clear that he didn’t have to, but he did anyway. I thought it was because our worldviews were a little more closely aligned than I had previously suspected, but now I wonder if it wasn’t a much more deviously calculated move. He spent a lot of time gaining my trust -- and he knew we were getting closer to finding out who was after us. If he suspected that the priest, or anyone else, was going to blow his cover after all this time, what better way to mitigate the damages than by ingratiating himself to me? He could have planned it all along.

And I can’t figure out why Todrencai would kill the priest. That is a major sticking point.

But... if it is Mavlane, why is he holding back? He’s got grudges against myself and Titus, and he never acted on them. I can see how he might have chosen to manipulate my good graces just to screw with me. But Titus? He never seemed to get the same kick out of twisting Titus’ arm that he did me -- I was the focus of his attacks, and Titus was the one who always got in his way. If the man we’re dealing with is really Mavlane, why didn’t he eliminate Titus before? He could have done it, anytime, in such a way that I wouldn’t have suspected -- at least, not until it was too late. He told me Feather was going to be okay and I believed him -- over my basic instincts I trusted him in that case. Why did I believe him? I didn’t even look back -- that’s how completely I trusted him. And for that matter, Mavlane could have killed the priest before we got there, and his cover would have been completely safe -- and that seems more like the Mavlain I know. The person who would wait and try to find another solution, the one who would try to do the right thing even trapped between two bad choices... that’s Todrencai.

Right now I just wish I could find him and talk to him. I know it was my idea that those of us left behind shouldn’t split up anymore, and I still stand by that policy on general principle. But I wonder if I could get him to meet with me -- just me. Neither Mavlane nor Todrencai should consider me a threat to them by myself... and ironically, I’m actually quite positive I’ll be relatively safe with them. With him. Because either he’s Todrencai, in which case he doesn’t want to hurt me because I’m his friend... or he’s Mavlane, in which case he doesn’t want to kill me because he’s not done humiliating me.

And of course, there’s the... other possibility. Which I’m not even going to consider.

Well. I’m willing to risk a little humiliation to find out the truth. To that end I’m going to try to sneak away for a few hours each day... and I’ll take whatever scolding Titus or Raine want to give me for it. It’ll be worth it, to know the truth. It'll be worth it for Todrencai.

titus is drunker than i am tho. lolz

i'm gonna regret this in teh morning..........................nah.

graet forks ftw

Four years. Four Dragon-forsaken years. Twenty-two years since the Cirlat, twenty since I entered the Palace of the Tamed Storms, fourteen since I joined the Wyld Hunt. How old am I? I can do the math, but it doesn’t feel real. Four years of our lives… just gone.

I should probably apologize to Kenzo for not believing we’d lost time. I won’t, anyway.

Suddenly the reasons we might be in the enemy’s armor multiply. When I thought we’d just been pulled through space, the answer was easy: magic. Funny how magic solves a lot of problems, isn’t it? Not that anything actually gets solved, but it makes explaining them so simple.

The soldiers of Lookshy knew us on sight, and they tried to kill us. What’s to say the Realm won’t do the same? Kenzo is certain we are not traitors. Kenzo has no idea what can happen in four years, or less. How quickly your life can change. How suddenly you can go from the staunchest devotee to the most faithless heretic. Kenzo is young. Perhaps not chronologically… but he will learn, or his faith in himself and in the Realm will be the very thing that gets him killed.

I know there are things which would cause even Kenzo to turn his back on the Realm -- in the eyes of the Realm, if not in Kenzo’s heart. He cannot imagine these things happening. Perhaps he cannot imagine their existence -- but exist they do. And there is no way of knowing for certain that the unimaginable has not occurred. Our minds are as they were four years ago... but the Realm has moved on, and now I can only assume that for four years we moved with it.

What could have happened in four years? Todrencai could have accepted that I won’t marry him... or Hesiesh help me, maybe I did. We all could be married. We could have homes, titles. My parents could have gotten tired of their half-hearted hope that I’d come to my senses and fully disowned me. Joseph may be grown... or he could be dead. He could be dead. Or I could have found him, and I just don't know it. Everyone we knew four years ago could be gone. Probably not everyone is... but they've certainly all changed. We changed too, only now we don't remember it.

The truth is, we don’t even know who we are anymore. And some of us don’t even know that we don’t know that. In some ways, we’re no better off than Feather. And she may be better than us! Better than me, anyway; she doesn't seem to know what the hell has happened to her. But me -- maybe I should have died back at that clearing. Maybe...

...maybe I did.

Was I ever so young? I wonder, running my fingers over the crinkled paper again.

...no, actually. I was younger.

A rustle behind me, closer than the noise of the celebrating warriors up the hill -- I realize I'm cornered on this dock, and I incinerate the letter in the same movement that I whirl around with my hand on my hilt. Lhen stops short, raising his hand to signal friend. "Alastriona. I didn't mean to startle you."

"LHEN!" I snap before I think. "Damn you! I hadn't had a chance -- do you have any idea what you -- aaargh!"

"I know," he says gently, although I know he doesn't. "Alastriona, I'm sorry."

"I hadn't... I -- it...." I wave futilely at the ashes still floating in the air, before throwing up my hands with a frustrated sigh. "...damn it."

"I know," he says again, leaning against a post, looking a picture in the firelight reflected onto his face by the rippling water. Lhen's used to my outbursts. He got used to them a long time ago -- much sooner than I learned not to bother apologizing to him. "I know it was important." They're always important. "We were worried about you, the way you took off."

"You don't have to worry, Lhen. I'm fine."

"Was it from your fia-aaahhh, err, mmmm. Was it from Tepet Todrencai?"

I practically growl the word no in response... and all he says is "Ah," in that tone I know means he wishes it was. At least that would explain a few things.

Lhen waits. I'm in no hurry. We listen to the singing coming from the tents up the hill -- loud, off-key, very drunk. It's pleasant. I'm happy here -- as happy as I ever am. I realize I'm pacing again. I stop.

"It's time to move on," I say bluntly.

"Where to?" Lhen asks.

"I'll find out when I get there. But I've been out here too long." Lhen raises an eyebrow. "The Legions need help," I say casually.

"The Legions."

"You're surprised."

"It's not like you." Lhen's also blunt. I like that about him.

"Consider it a fancy."

"Thusly considered. So when do we leave?"

"We? We aren't. I am. Go back to the party, Lehn. It's been nice knowing you."

He gives a short barking laugh. "What, you're going to jump in and start swimming? You're not going anywhere tonight, Alastriona. And when you go, you're not going alone."

"You're going to stop me?"

"No. I'm going to go with you. Don't give me that look," he says, even though I'm absolutely not giving him that look. "You're high-maintenance, m'lady. You need someone with you, to keep you out of trouble -- run interference, cover your escape when you've pissed off the wrong person, like you always do. Of course what you really need is a leash" -- Lhen jumps back with a grin before I can kick him in the shins -- "but, since I'm not brave enough to collar you, I'm going to have to follow you. If you're really going, that is."

"I'm going. I'm sure of it." I've never been so sure of anything.

"I know," he says. "I know. We'll talk about it in the morning. For now -- come with me. There's a celebration to get back to."

Lhen puts out his hand for mine.

"I am sorry," he says again, very softly. "You were memorizing it, weren't you? No," he says quickly, seeing the look on my face, "no, I don't know what was in it. I just figured out -- too late -- what you were doing. And I'm sorry I made you burn it before you were ready."

I let it go. There's no point in telling him that I'd already seared every word into memory, and was just reading it again for flavor, like one continues to savor a delicious meal long after mere hunger is sated. So I take his hand. He's right, after all -- what am I going to do, swim?

I'll leave in the morning.

Diary,

This is going to be short but I'm tired and I can't make any sense of anything and I'm tired of ripping out pages because I make mistakes. I keep trying to describe the day, and I can't do anything with it. To make a long story short: once again I'm lucky to be alive -- and even indescribably better -- today, I was chosen by Hesiesh.

The actual moment was so overwhelming I don't know how to describe it. Hopefully I don't actually have to describe it -- hopefully when I'm reading this again years from now I'll remember how it felt. Maybe by then I'll know how to tell about it, but tonight I don't.

Most of today stank. I got ambushed by Cathak Mavlane and his buddies, knocked out, drenched in lamp oil, rescued by my friends and then somehow set ablaze. I don't actually know if I caught myself on fire at the moment I was Blessed, or if it was catching fire that caught the Great Dragons' attention. Titus didn't know what was happening at first, and all but drowned me trying to put me out. Todrencai tried to put me out with his bare hands, and just wound up burning them again. But the moment I realized that although I was burning I wasn't burning... I just started laughing. I couldn't stop. It was so unreal! So strange... but so right. So exactly right.

Between that and the near-concussion I was still nursing (thanks, cos) I was still a little lightheaded when I found myself before my Military History and Tactics professor. I wasn't certain I heard him right. I'm still playing his words over and over, trying to determine if I actually heard what I thought I heard.

After I met with him I went to see Todrencai. I told him I was sorry for his burns, and that I'd make it up to him. He told me not to worry about it. He was really happy for me! I felt so bad -- I knew I wasn't going to be seeing him again for a while. I already miss him. But I promised him I'd always be his friend. I hope he gets Chosen soon -- him and Lucian both. I mean, I'm really happy... but I'm sorry to be leaving them behind.

After I left Todrencai I ran into a fight in the main hall outside the dorms. Turned out Titus found Mavlane, and tried to kick his ass for almost killing me. I got there just as it was breaking up, and offered to the groundskeeper to escort Mavlane back to his dorm while she took Titus off for detention. I don't think she recognized me, or she wouldn't have said yes! And Mavlane didn't recognize me! So of course the moment we were out of her sight I picked up where Titus left off.... and heee, the way I tricked them just gets more awesome every time I think about it. I should totally ask Todrencai to write a song about it! So anyway, now I've got a hurt wrist and he's got two black eyes and we've both got detention with Titus, but it was totally worth it.

...I owe Titus too. He wouldn't have attacked Mavlane and wound up in detention if it wasn't for me. And I owe Todrencai for all his burns. Because if I heard my elder right... he planned it. He planned the whole thing -- just like Cathak Mavlane had planned his stupid attack -- in the hopes of seeing me chosen by Hesiesh. And it worked, and so he's pleased. And... I mean, of course I'm happy I was Chosen. Of course I'm elated to be Blessed.

But my friends -- my real friends, the ones who have stood by me since my very first day at the Cirlat -- my friends could have died. If I'd caught fire in that tower, Todrencai and Lucian would have gone right up with me. Every time my housemates tried to push me or test me, my friends have gotten hurt trying to defend me and protect me. And they knew -- my professor had to know that my friends were going to do everything they could to protect me this time! He knew, and he didn't care -- he put them in danger anyway. He put Todrencai in the infirmary again. He could have killed Todrencai. And he didn't care!

Well, I care. I'm going to make certain no one gets hurt because of me again. I swear it. I'm going to make it up to Titus and Todrencai if it takes the rest of my life. Because it's not right -- it's not.

This wound up being longer than I'd expected. I think there's more to write, but that's the main part. That's the most important part. And now I'm really tired.

Tomorrow begins the rest of my life, Diary. It only gets better from here. :-)

Love, Ali

Dear Diary,

You know, I actually kind of liked that boy until he stabbed me.

I feel kind of dumb now. But how was I supposed to know? He'd been Chosen! Isn't that supposed to make you smarter, wiser... better?

When Cathak Mavlane walked up to the table at breakfast, my first thought was oh my gosh is he actually going to talk to us he looks so awesome!!! Really! With the flashy red-orange hair and those eyes and that grin and the -- oh, everything, you know?! And yeah, I know he's a cousin somewhere, but it's gotta be a pretty distant cousin all told and anyway it's not like I was gonna actually do anything but still, he was cute. And he's Chosen and he's coming over to talk to me. Later, in the games -- well, honestly, I was itching to fight him from the start. Not like that, I mean -- I wanted to see how well I would do. Yes, I'm prideful, what of it?! So when I got the chance after all... when, after all the excitement, he wanted to spar with me... of course I jumped on it!

I thought he had it all under control, I really did. I wasn't afraid of the flame -- I thought Mavlane was just trying to scare me, and I wanted him to see that I wasn't scared, so I ignored it and focused on matching his strokes, even as they got harder and harder to parry and I had fewer openings to strike back. I wouldn't have it said that Cathak Alastriona couldn't take a little heat. Even when the fire got hotter... I'm realizing now that I should have run. But I thought he knew exactly what he was doing! I expected him to fight fair. I didn't expect him to try to kill me.

The moment itself is kind of blurry. I remember everything suddenly going cold, even though I could still see the fire and smell burning cloth and hair... and I remember thinking that seemed weird. And I got really lightheaded and I could hear Titus and Lucian screaming, and I knew they were next to me, but they seemed really far away. And I glanced down at Mavlane's hand on the hilt of the sword buried in my chest, and there was blood everywhere... and I remember thinking Father is going to be so mad at me right before it all went black.

I dreamed about the kitten I had when I was a really little girl. Except I don't think I actually had a kitten in real life. Almost dying is really weird, Diary.

And yeah, I'm pretty sure I almost died.

The scary thing to me, now, about thinking that Mavlane was in control and knew what he was doing is that, if what I've heard is true, he was. Titus said my "cousin" said something about trying to push me to accept the blessing of Hesiesh, and that I'd be better off dead than patrician. (Although I guess now Mavlane's friends are giving him a hard time about nearly being beaten by a little patrician girl. I may not be Chosen yet, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate some good irony.)

The other not-so-funny irony is that... well, I wasn't Chosen thanks to my cousin's ill-advised efforts. But Galerina was. Apparently she was so upset over me nearly dying that she started a typhoon in the girl's dorm. Now she won't be in any of my classes anymore! When I get to go back, I mean. But I already miss her.

I'm here in the infirmary for another two weeks. It's not too bad, though. Todrencai is here with me -- see, he was also pretty upset... but he didn't receive the blessing of Mela; he just attacked Mavlane with a sword. Which was pretty dumb... but also pretty brave, and kind of flattering. But mostly dumb, 'cause he wound up burning his hands and his hair. Now he sits in the bed next to me making up silly songs about himself (Todrencai, Todrencai! Fought the big bad fire guy! Kicked his ass and made him cry! You're so awesome, Todrencai!) and, when his hands aren't hurting too much, drawing stick figures to act out the songs.

Did I say it wasn't too bad? I lied.

No, I'm lying there. I like Todrencai. I like Titus, and Lucian. I'm lucky to have them for friends. I'm going to miss Galerina. A lot. Who am I going to whisper with at night now???

I'm going to get revenge on Cathak Mavlane. Someday, I am.

Goodnight, Diary.
Ali

Dear Diary,

My first day of school was mostly awful.  My athletics coach is a slavedriver.  My natural philosophy professor is unfocused.  My Immaculate Philosophy professor is too strict -- it wasn't OUR fault the other teacher made us late!!!  My Art & Music teacher likes to hear himself talk and won't let anyone else play the instruments and has no taste.

I have every class with Ledaal Galerina, the girl who wouldn't share my blanket last night.  At first I thought she was rude but now I think she's just shy.  I don't blame her for being shy, though -- Professor Ravi was really scary when she was screaming at me, and I only didn't run away because my father is scarier when he's angry and if I failed out of the Cirlat on the first day he would be the ANGRIEST FATHER EVER.  But the teacher seemed more pleased that I didn't run away.  Maybe if 'Rina can learn not to be scared she'll do better.  Oh, and 'Rina's also very smart!  So making friends with her was a really good idea.

There are three boys we share classes with too.  Nellens Titus can run as fast as I can and he's also not afraid -- although I think he was really upset when the natural philosophy professor read his writing after she said she WOULD'T.  (I didn't think teachers were allowed to lie to students!)  Cynis Lucian is really quiet, but he seems nice enough.  He likes eating the weird foods -- I mean, I ate them 'cause I wanted to know what they tasted like, but I think HE actually LIKES them!!!  Then there's Tepet Todrencai, and he is obsessed with swords and he got into a fight in the LIBRARY!!!  Boys are so WEIRD!!!! even the cute ones.  I got to go exploring with them for a little while, though, and they're all really nice.  So I think I'll like having classes with them.

It's lights-out already!  More tomorrow.  Goodnight, diary.

Dear Diary,

Today I arrived at SCHOOL!!!!  I got to get all dressed up in my new robes for the opening ceremony.  They are so so pretty!  And I got to wear flowers in my hair and everything.  I felt so grown up today!  The ceremony was really boring but I didn't care.  It gave me plenty of time to look around the grounds.  This school is so BIG!!!  And it's on an island!  I can't wait to explore!

After the ceremony Father left to go home and I got shown around the school.  Then I got to go to a huge feast!  It was bigger than some of Grandmother's parties and had all sorts of strange food.  I tried everything at least once (except the stuff that looked really gross).  Then I had to go to my room which I share with like a HUNDRED other girls.

I don't like sharing a room.  Some of the older bigger girls are really mean, and even some of the girls my own age are not very friendly.  The bigger girls took this one girl's blanket, and so I introduced myself to her and I tried to share my blanket with her (because Father always talks about the importance of finding allies in hostile environments and the importance of not underestimating people) and she wouldn't have any of it.  What a SNOB.  Well, she'll be cold tonight, I guess, and it's not my fault.

Tomorrow is my first day of class!  I'm so excited!!! I wonder if the teachers will be nice?  I hope they are!  Maybe there will be some cute boys?!?  We shall see.

Love, Ali